Julie MacAdam

What is in that creates a space for connection? Is it not the space itself that breeds a longing, a desire to reach out, to touch and be touched, to re-affirm what already was, is, and will be? I see in myself that there are parts of me that wish to connect, and there are parts of me that are never quite satisfied with connection – be it with another, myself, or my life. Substitute the word connection with any other word and a general feeling of dissatisfaction prevails. It comes from a thought that nothing is ever good enough; a thought perhaps given to me as an unconscious gift, presented generation after generation…a thought that seems to have developed much momentum, conviction, and stickiness. This thought, not good enough, creates a feeling tone in my body. One of much restlessness and anxe; a desire to do in order to prove my worth that I have forgotten in the looming shadows of such thought. The thought and feeling tone inspire me upwards, outwards; like trying to grab something just out of reach. Isn’t it exhausting? I find it to be so. And, not that it necessarily matters but how strong are the roots of such thought? The inner critic, for me, is an off shoot also digging in; it offers, if I see from the right angle, motivation to change. The inner critics judgment and dissatisfaction can show me in what ways it hopes I might create shifts. And, the thing is, I can, more often than not. I have that privileged; that power of choice. As I have inherited this thought without speculation, until now; I too have also been given tools to change the dynamic between thought and action. Once the action becomes repetitive in nature it soon becomes clear to me that something else is happening that is leading to a mechanical reaction. What is that something else? Where is the thought? What are the forces at play here? When I see that I can create change, and have the opportunity to do so in the moments of my life, what would it take to choose something different? Right now. I acknowledge that there are times when reason has little room when thought/feeling/emotion is strong and yet, can I learn something in hindsight? Shifts are possible. Can I see the changes are already happening? Little by little. Change, as a friend once told me, begins with gratitude. My practice is to acknowledge what I have and be grateful, and from that grounded place, receive, take responsibility, and choose.